Boo!

Fear makes us feel our humanity - Benjamin Disraeli 

I have a fear list.  It's a list of things I fear.  I try to make it as honest as possible.  Then I attack. If I can attack my fears, then I do.  For a while people thought it was because I didn't like being weak, and fear makes one weak.  I couldn't quite figure it out, until I saw that quote.  I attack my fears because it makes me feel my humanity.  It is a very honest list of my limitations, and I like seeing if I can push them.  It makes me feel alive.  It's exciting to live outside of my comfort zone.  Here is the list of things that scare me. 

1. Never achieving a healthy weight
2. Achieving a healthy weight
3. Being a bad teacher
4. Being a bad friend
5. Never being in a relationship
6. Flirting
7. Being honest with my feelings
8. Letting people take care of me
9. Asking for/accepting money
10. Heights
11. Nightmare land (when I wake up from a nightmare and I'm still afraid of everything, but i'm awake)
12. Attaching 
13. Being in a relationship
14. Cancer
15. Letting people down


So there are somethings I wont attack, like cancer or Nightmare land or being a bad teacher/friend or letting people down.  The rest though, if I get the opportunity to do any of them, I do.  Why stay where it's comfortable? 

Tick Tock

A while ago I bought a clock for our living room.  This clock is a magical clock because somehow it kept transporting its self to my bed.  I quickly learned that my rommie was the magic behind the transportation.  She couldn't do homework, watch TV, or even be in the living room with the clock because the ticking drove her up a wall.

Pet peeves are interesting to consider.  I never noticed the clicking. It's just something that didn't bother me.  When I was younger I had more patience than anyone I knew. Nothing bothered me. The older I get, the more things I find that do bother me.

-I cant stand when some one touches my face.  Or pretends to slap me.  Or makes any motion towards my face.
-I don't like when people don't clean the hair out of the bathtub.  I just hate hair actually. I hate when it gathers in the brush. I hate when it sheds. It just bothers me.
-I hate when the bar close to my apartment plays the same techno song for three hours straight from 12-3am.
-I hate when people call me the B word.  Even if they are just joking.  The work erks me for whatever reason.
-I hate being called pathetic.  I learned this the other day a work.  I playfully acted sad about something pointless because it made people laugh.  One of my co workers said, "you're so pathetic" and it took a lot to control my temper.  Pathetic is something I have never been and will never be.  I was playing and being funny.
-I hate when people don't respect my time. I don't like when people are late or don't show when they say they will. I don't want to sit and wait for you to decide to show up. I'm not a puppy eagerly awaiting your arrival.


I have also noticed that when I'm really peeved, I hear the ticking of the clock.

I Hate You

I'm not typically a liar.  I used to be.  I used to lie for no reason.  Silly, stupid, pointless lies that I made up on the spot and was always able to remember.  My dad would ask what I watch on TV and I would say Nickelodeon instead of Disney. My friend would ask what I had for lunch and I'd say turkey when it was really ham.  I never knew why I did it, I just did.  

At the start of college I made a radical change.  I also don't know why I did this.  There was no reason, no conviction, it just happened.  I told the truth about everything.  If I accidentally told a friend that I only slept for four hours last night, when it was really five, I'd text them apologizing for lying and tell them the truth.  

I like to believe that I have a healthy balance between the two extremes now.  

You're probably wondering what my title has to do with this post, since I've managed to diverge onto a completely different topic.  My opening line was going to be, "I'm not typically a liar, but this is one of the biggest lies I tell.  And I say it daily."  So let's start over, shall we?

I'm not typically a liar, but this is one of the biggest lies I tell.  And I say it daily.  

I hate you.

Every time I am talking about a boy and every time it's a lie.  I don't really hate them.  I hate the fact that they possess qualities that make them wonderful and that they aren't interested in me romantically.  There is a general theme to the men that I 'hate'.  I playfully say that there are certain traits that men cant possess unless they plan to marry me. 

When it comes to looks these traits are - glasses, facial hair, athletic, jeans and a white shirt, jeans and a button up shirt. 

When it comes to personality these traits are - having God at his center, being protective of me, having a passion, the ability to be playful and serious, honesty. 

I thought of this because recently a boy texted me being very protective and I looked at my phone and audibly said, "I hate you." Obviously the people around me were very confused.  

Am I good enough?

We're all flawed, right? We are sinners at birth and therefore we are condemned to hell.  Then Christ came and died for us and as long as we believe this we go to heaven.  This is the basic gospel.  Then we have to note that grace isn't an excuse to sin and if we really believed in God then we would try our best not to sin.  Since God is a just God, he'll give us what we deserve and if we aren't doing our best to please him then we must not really love him, so we'll go to Hell.  Then people start judging peoples relationship with God (even their own) and they start questioning if they are good enough.  Suddenly we have arrived at 'Sarah's most heart breaking conversation'.  Whether or not people believe in God, we all struggle with the same question.

Am I good enough?

It's hard to explain this non religiously, so i'm not going to.  All I know is that at the core of what I know about God's love is that we are enough.  Always.  At any time of your life - you are enough.  We are so quick to think that any issue is our fault.  'This relationship didn't work out because I'm not...'  "This did or didn't happen because I...." "If only I.... then...." Beyond this, we believe that every situation in life that is hard is God teaching us some lesson to make us 'better.'  It's like we're this mess that he has to clean up.  Everything about this thinking is not love.  No matter what or who we are, he loves us.  We ARE enough.  I AM enough.  You ARE enough.  I wish I could make people understand this.

The point of the gospel isn't to create this huge judgement game of "who is the best."  Most christian will tell you this, so why don't we believe it?  Why is there still comparing and still the overarching desire to be 'better'.

The point of the gospel is love. God said, "I want them to love me like I love them.  They are to caught up in being 'perfect' by trying to cover all of their sins.  They sin.  It's what they do.  I'll send them my son so cover all of their sins so they can stop worrying about being something they aren't. Then they will have the freedom to focus on our relationship and can spend more time with me.  Yes, this is a good plan.  I really like them and their company and this way it can work."

I'm not saying that God is pleased with sin or ignores it.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't care about sinning.  I'm just saying that our strive to be perfect is silly.  We aren't sinless.  Why do we try to be an then hate ourselves when we aren't?  God doesn't.

Bringing us back to the conversation of our desire to be 'better' and to 'change'.  Do you know the story of the giving tree?  The boy plants a tree and at first the tree is fruit. Then it is shade.  Then it becomes wood.  Then it becomes a stump for the man to sit on.  At every stage in it's life it was PERFECT for the boy.  It was exactly what he needed.  It changed, yes.  But never was it wrong.  In our lives we will change.  We may not struggle with a particular sin, but we'll struggle with something else.  We may never be sinless, but in each moment we are exactly what we need to be.  Life will change us.  We'll learn new things and transform.  We will have our sins and that is perfectly okay.

Fitblgr...?

Confession time.  I'm a fitblgr.  Which is short for 'Fit Blogger'.  Which is short for "Person who runs a Tumblr blog that is trying to lose weight and spends hours looking at unrealistic looking females and bunch of healthy foods."  I don't reblog photos of unrealistic looking woman because I don't want them on my blog.  But I see them.  I see them often.  Sometimes I have to go on a tumblr strike because I realize how bad those pictures make me feel about myself.  Is it bad that I aspire to look like her?

I bet she doesn't even look that way, with photoshop and all of the other image editing tools there are. Yet there is something so appealing about this.

Let's talk about how I should view myself.  The bible says -
Proverbs 3:15 - "She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her."

'Society' says -
"Looks don't matter. It's the soul that counts. Ect."

How I actually feel -
I love myself.  I think that I'm very unique, very caring, intelligent, fun, and passionate.  I have been blessed with many things.  When it comes to dating though, I don't feel desired.  People say that looks don't matter, but they do.  The difference between a good friend and a lover is that you're attracted to each other.  You have to have the desire to kiss and hold the person you are dating.  Looks do matter. Note, I think I have a beautiful face.   I just don't have the body.

So I eat healthy.  I go to the gym.  Two years and I've only lost 40lbs.  Which is a different struggle to speak of.  This is the first thing I've decided to do that didn't happen when I said it would happen.  Which is weird because it's the only aspect in my life that I have complete control over.  I joined a community that helps motivate me.  It does that well.  It motivates me.  I also know that when I start desiring unrealistic things that I need to not be on that site any more.

I kept searching for a point to this blog post.  Some wrap up thought that summed all of my opinions together.  I don't think that I have one.  I have many thoughts about how sad it is to see how many girls on that site don't love themselves. I have thoughts on how sad it is that the media directly correlates weights to beauty.  I have thoughts on how I feel that my lack of all things romantic directly correlates to my weight.  Each one of those things could be a post in its self.

I think the soul point of this post is to be a foundation for future conversations about my weight.  It is the biggest thing I struggle with and I put a lot of thought and energy into it. I'm sure it'll be a topic of conversation in my blogging future.

Why I began this journey

I have this friend and she has a blog that makes me think a lot. She recently posted this

http://achildlikesenseofwonder.blogspot.com/2013/12/lucky-to-be-here.html

and I felt the desire to respond to it. Basically the gist is that she's never considered herself 'privileged' despite the fact that she is. My favorite quote was "Freely I have received, and so freely I must give."

My situation is slightly different than Katy's. When we talk about American poverty, well ... I got a full ride to college simply because my family is considered poor. Katy talks about having a different pair of shoes for every day of the week and I have one pair. They were $9. I own two pairs of jeans and seven shirts. That is my wardrobe. I don't have a room at home when I visit. Everything I own is in my current room at college. I only have a computer because of my scholarship. I have had many instances where I wonder where my next meal will be coming from. I have three different jobs during the school year. I'd like to think that I understand poverty.

 I don't


I am in college because in America, there are people that are willing to pay for other people to go to college. I have a roof over my head, food, and clothes. Not much, but I still have them. When there was a chance that a friend couldn't go to a conference because of money, I was going to front the money. Knowing that I would live off of soup for a while, it'd still be doable. Even if I gave away every dollar that I had, I'd still have soup. I'd still have a place to live. My roommate wouldn't let me become homeless and my friends wouldn't let me starve. I live in a place where the true concept of poor doesn't exist. I have less than many in America, granted. I am not poor. I can't be because my community wouldn't allow it. I may wonder about my next meal, but i'll never go hungry. I'll never spend days hoping for clean water, food, or sleep. My biggest worry is fitting into a community like DU. A place where my life style is looked down upon and not understood because everyone is used to having more than what they need.

I am used to having more than what I need

Many would disagree. It's amazing to watch people operate when they are wealthy. Somehow they need so much more than I knew existed. Hair cuts every 6-12 weeks. Waxing. Shoes and purses that match every outfit. Different outfits for different weather. Organic food. Gym equipment. Different forms of entertainment (computer, ipod, ipad, tv, radio, smartphone, gaming systems, and all of the accompanying accessories) Hair products. (besides a brush and ponytail) Makeup. (I am actually disgusted by the amount of different make that exists and how much of it is considered a necessity) I promise you that the list goes on, but it makes me sad to write all of this so i'm stopping now.

My point is, we are some how tricked into believing that we need more than we actually do. I think I have to much. I own some makeup and extra hair supplies. I get my hair cut more often than once a year. I own a light and a heavy jacket. (the only difference between my winter and summer wardrobes) I have a Television, which is completely unnecessary. I have $300 in saving and $100 in checkings and while most people would be scared by those numbers, it still feels like to much at times. I need the $100 for food and the rest of my bills are paid. So what is the $300 for? Safety I guess, but I don't need it. It is because of that $300 that I was willing to sponsor my friend to go to the conference. If someone needs something I have, I give it. Even if I 'need' it. The truth is, I don't need very much. No one does. 

Freely I have received, and so freely I must give. I have always been given enough to survive. Everything else is a luxury, so therefore I am very privileged.

A New Beginning

As December of 2013 comes to a close, it's time again to start a new chapter of my life. Luckily new chapters come often - the end of every year, the start of a new school term, the passing of a birthday, when ever I decided that I'm bored and want to start something... I've had blogs before. I had a blog when I was abroad in South Africa. I had blogs when I was in High School, but I quit those. I quit because I felt selfish. I felt like my opinions weren't more important than others and I didn't know why I felt the need to put them on the internet. Abroad was different because the people who cared about me wanted up dates on my life. It's time to start a blog again. Not for my selfish desires of my opinions being known, but rather to give me a place to reflect. So this is that chapter.

Things that aren't new: My name is Sarah. I'm a senior at the University of Denver. I study Mathematics (Bachelors) and Education (Masters). (My minor is theatre) I grew up in Las Vegas, Nevada and moved to Colorado when I was 13. This is my face: